true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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