Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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