They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
