I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
