Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
