I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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