Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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