im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
