onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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