____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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