I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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