So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
