so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
