i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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