I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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