On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize