if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
