Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
