I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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