you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
