I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
