She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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