if you like me you must not know who I am
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
50% drunk capacity currently
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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