Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
