a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
