Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
