My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
