Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
