So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
