Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
