walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I need to sanitize my soul.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize