My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
