i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
