Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
