This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize