How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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