i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
