I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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