if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
