I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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