His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
