i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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