Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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