I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
