i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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