K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
