He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
God, I missed his penis.
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