Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
