So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
