i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
