She's JV to your varsity
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
