my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
