The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
They have beer where we have blood.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
