im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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