Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
