My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
