I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
