why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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