Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
