there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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